Over the past two days, I learned that two of my friends decided to take their lives together. They claimed their time here was done and they felt this because they found nothing was interesting to them anymore. Alexi left a long, beautiful letter and described it as her painting being complete and there was no paint left on the pallet. She alluded to having a terminal illness that was not taking her fast enough. Jenna was a very close friend and we can only assume she felt ready to leave too as she had made comments in recent months that she felt she was done here.
What kept me going? I kept telling myself that I Would be happy again, I Would find something that would get me excited again, I Would find a new adventure that would capture my attention. I didn’t know when but I knew I had never let myself down before and I wouldn’t this time.”
I can relate to this feeling of nothing seeming to be interesting anymore and a feeling that nothing new and exciting will ever show up and capture my attention again. I had this feeling for all of last year. I had lost a job that I was very passionate about due to the selfishness of others. I had the dream of purchasing a campground but there seemed to be fewer and fewer options to even make that possible. I looked at and applied for countless jobs, none of which seemed interesting. The thought of getting any of those positions just depressed me even more. I felt lost in a barren desert with no sight of anything changing anytime soon. There was no clear path, no clear direction for me to take and no signs that it was going to get better or that things were ever going to change for the better. I’m a very impatient person by nature so last year felt like 5 or 10 years to me. I had moments of hope but none lasted long enough to hold on to.
What kept me going? I kept telling myself that I Would be happy again, I Would find something that would get me excited again, I Would find a new adventure that would capture my attention. I didn’t know when but I knew I had never let myself down before and I wouldn’t this time. That knowing and the people around me, gave me strength to keep moving forward, to keep searching for that new something that I couldn’t imagine and couldn’t see yet.
And with one Facebook post a couple of weeks ago and one comment, it all started changing. I posted a picture of a cool camper van and made a comment to the effect of “I could travel around the US with my dogs and visit different greyhound groups”. I heard a small voice say, “can you do that?” and I thought can I? The small voice said, “you know, you can do that”. I thought, I have nothing tethering me to Vermont. I have no job, no significant other, no family here. I have my dogs and I can take them with me. And then the signs started showing up fast and furiously. There was a camping and RV show that next weekend in New Hampshire. There was only one camper in the whole place that would fit me and my greyhounds comfortably. I negotiated the price down to exactly what I budgeted. The next week, I found the exact tow vehicle I wanted. I came up with a plan for a business that encompasses everything I love and received encouragement from everyone that it was a great idea. I posted an album of items and furniture for sale and it almost all sold in minutes. I posted my car and got a full price offer.
So because I held the trust in myself and the knowing that there were still things in this life that I could be excited about and that there were still adventures for me to have, I attracted this new plan and it’s all falling into place. I understand my friends had different intentions and they were content with their decision but for me there is still life to be lived, people to meet, adventures to be had and exciting times ahead!
Fly free Jenna and Alexi I hope your new adventure is all you hoped it would be. We will remember you always.
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